Each and every day I’m surrounded by pain. Emotional pain that permeates ones spirit troubling it. Among this pain, expectations and responsibilities abound. They never stop, even when pain brings them to a slow crawl. It pierces my heart. My heart cries, not just for the pain that they feel, but for the pain inflicted on children who never asked to be born.
The world is a cruel place to live. It feels as if there are pockets of God’s grace and mercy. But I’m no fool to understand that God is greater than the pain I see and feel. I KNOW that God is at work everyday around me to restore us to Himself. The process is grueling, sometimes seeming unrelenting in its pursuit to spread darkness instead of light.
I understand their pain. I have pain of my own that I’m trying to be healed from. I’m realizing more and more each day that my day is coming. The day that my REAL healing will take place, releasing me from years of bondage that I’ve allowed to captivate me. I am becoming more and more dependent on His grace. More and more dependent on His mercy to pull me through. I cannot do His work my own way, or with my own strength. Yes, He has equipped me with gifts and talents to mend the brokenhearted. Yet I am at a point where I cannot go any further than what I, myself, know. I cannot give peace when I don’t know peace myself. I cannot speak of God’s healing power, when I don’t allow Him to heal me.
I see God taking me deeper into knowing Him. My prayer is that I am reminded of His love for me, that He wants good for my life, and leaning heavily on the knowledge that He will never leave me nor forsake me. I am in the valley of the shadow of death. I am in the valley of the dry bones. I question whether the bones around me can live. But you O, God know. I ask You to equip me to breathe life back into the bones surrounding me. I ask that You equip me to stay focused on You and not the task at hand. I ask that You allow the words that I speak to be balm and life in the lives that I touch and reach. I no longer want words that are empty and hallow. Lord, Your children need life spoken into their lives. They need to feel a balm. They need to know You are there and see all that is happening around them. BUT, you have not forsaken them. You have always been there, holding them in the bosom of Your arms. Bind up the enemy. Speak life......SPEAK.
The path to healing looks like a jagged road. One that seems to have no direction. It is not paved, nor smooth. It is dark. The path to healing is one where we can only rely on God to get us through.
SPEAK LIFE.
Monday, October 25, 2010
Friday, October 8, 2010
Totally depleted
Can you be emotionally, physically, mentally, and spiritually exhausted to the point of shutting down?
That’s exactly how I feel right now. I’ve had numerous physical symptoms: headaches, nausea, neck stiffness, aching muscles. I believe it’s time for an eye exam because I quickly turn, only to find there’s nothing there. I swear I just saw something move. Lately, this has been happening more frequently.
I’ve overwhelmed by all the responsibilities I have to juggle. My school work isn’t suffering, but my contributions to my research project are. I don’t feel like my group members could understand why I’m lagging behind so much.
At this very moment, I could close my eyes, and shut everything down. No school work, no mommy work, no home work, nothing. Just a strive for peace.
I’m so out done.
That’s exactly how I feel right now. I’ve had numerous physical symptoms: headaches, nausea, neck stiffness, aching muscles. I believe it’s time for an eye exam because I quickly turn, only to find there’s nothing there. I swear I just saw something move. Lately, this has been happening more frequently.
I’ve overwhelmed by all the responsibilities I have to juggle. My school work isn’t suffering, but my contributions to my research project are. I don’t feel like my group members could understand why I’m lagging behind so much.
At this very moment, I could close my eyes, and shut everything down. No school work, no mommy work, no home work, nothing. Just a strive for peace.
I’m so out done.
Wednesday, August 25, 2010
Slackers, Overachievers and Procrastinators
Something happened today that made me want to run home and write this blog. My initial reaction was to email my CES Cohort, which I still plan to do, about this very topic. I came to understand, clear as a Windex streak free window, what was going on.
I was at work. I received a request asking for copies of all the paperwork I use to complete my job. Why was this a problem for me? The request came from my supervisor. Let me back up here a minute. My job responsibilities changed right before I was to leave for residency for this program. The bomb was politely laid into my lap. I was told to "think it over." As if any time during residency I was to be thinking about my job. Please. I was walking into my future. When I returned, no more information about my new responsibilities was given. Bottom line: I was now a case manager, a position which did not sit very well with me. The adjustment period has been horrendous for me. Despite the extreme obstacles, I got myself together finally and am still trying to make this work.
It wasn't my supervisor that guided me into this transition. It was the many other seasoned case managers who were kind and understanding to my angst. As more case managers were hired, I found myself among a sea of newbies. These newbies have been my life line and we have been supporting one another. So getting this request, obviously, upset me.
I came to realize there are 3 kinds of people in life. Slackers, overachievers, and procrastinators. Slackers like to ride on the coat tails of others, often at the expense of others. They don't look to do anything for themselves, but rely on relationships to smooth over their inadequacies and lack of effort.
Overachievers. Well, they get right down to business when an assignment or task is given. They jump in head first and fly to get many things accomplished. They often get upset when others around them don't move as fast or aren't as thorough as them. They may feel like they are doing the work by themselves not realizing that they just may not be allowing others to get involved. Other people are not working on their timetable. *Disclaimer: There's nothing wrong with being an overachiever. Just realize that others don't necessarily work the same way, so as not to stress yourself out that you just burn out.
Procrastinators. These people work hard, but do so at the last minute. I believe there are two types of procrastinators: perfectionists, and put offs. Perfectionists procrastinate because they cannot get what they want done in the most perfect and correct way as possible. Therefore, they wait, and wait, until under the gun, they cram all that needs to be accomplished in one fell swoop. Most times, they work best under pressure and do their best work that way. Put offs do just that. They just put off their task because there are so many other things getting in the way of their doing what needs to be done. They don't think about time management, or doing a little at a time. If they can't start doing it whole heartedly, they won't do it at all. Thereby procrastinating.
So there they are. Where you fall? Me? lol I'm the perfectionistic procrastinator. I will give you my all in the last crunch time of the task. Of course, this does not work well with most people. I give spurts, but when it's finally time to get it done, I get the job done. And much to my chagrin, I do a fine job. This has worked for me in high school and in college. It stopped there. This did not work for me in graduate school. I found myself in tears many a nights because I had waited until the last minute to do an assignment. Each time I vowed to never do that again, only to lie to myself and be in the same position time and time again. I've gotten better though.
I find that I'm running into too many slackers in my life and on my job. Slackers equate to spiritual leeches in my book. They will suck life out of you and leave you with nothing. Meanwhile, they continue to live in mediocre bliss---and love every minute of it.
I have an acquaintance that is a slacker. I had a run in with her today. I try to redeem her each and every time. Actually, I had told my husband that I was going to cut her off. She is a liability to me. She takes too much time, effort, and energy, and gives nothing in return. He balked at me. He often tells me that I cut people off when they disappoint me. He's right. (side note: I loathe feeling disappointed.) So I gave her another chance. And today, she proved, yet again, why she's a liability. Only because she seems in the grip of depression will I tolerate her for a little while longer. She's cutting it very close.
I was at work. I received a request asking for copies of all the paperwork I use to complete my job. Why was this a problem for me? The request came from my supervisor. Let me back up here a minute. My job responsibilities changed right before I was to leave for residency for this program. The bomb was politely laid into my lap. I was told to "think it over." As if any time during residency I was to be thinking about my job. Please. I was walking into my future. When I returned, no more information about my new responsibilities was given. Bottom line: I was now a case manager, a position which did not sit very well with me. The adjustment period has been horrendous for me. Despite the extreme obstacles, I got myself together finally and am still trying to make this work.
It wasn't my supervisor that guided me into this transition. It was the many other seasoned case managers who were kind and understanding to my angst. As more case managers were hired, I found myself among a sea of newbies. These newbies have been my life line and we have been supporting one another. So getting this request, obviously, upset me.
I came to realize there are 3 kinds of people in life. Slackers, overachievers, and procrastinators. Slackers like to ride on the coat tails of others, often at the expense of others. They don't look to do anything for themselves, but rely on relationships to smooth over their inadequacies and lack of effort.
Overachievers. Well, they get right down to business when an assignment or task is given. They jump in head first and fly to get many things accomplished. They often get upset when others around them don't move as fast or aren't as thorough as them. They may feel like they are doing the work by themselves not realizing that they just may not be allowing others to get involved. Other people are not working on their timetable. *Disclaimer: There's nothing wrong with being an overachiever. Just realize that others don't necessarily work the same way, so as not to stress yourself out that you just burn out.
Procrastinators. These people work hard, but do so at the last minute. I believe there are two types of procrastinators: perfectionists, and put offs. Perfectionists procrastinate because they cannot get what they want done in the most perfect and correct way as possible. Therefore, they wait, and wait, until under the gun, they cram all that needs to be accomplished in one fell swoop. Most times, they work best under pressure and do their best work that way. Put offs do just that. They just put off their task because there are so many other things getting in the way of their doing what needs to be done. They don't think about time management, or doing a little at a time. If they can't start doing it whole heartedly, they won't do it at all. Thereby procrastinating.
So there they are. Where you fall? Me? lol I'm the perfectionistic procrastinator. I will give you my all in the last crunch time of the task. Of course, this does not work well with most people. I give spurts, but when it's finally time to get it done, I get the job done. And much to my chagrin, I do a fine job. This has worked for me in high school and in college. It stopped there. This did not work for me in graduate school. I found myself in tears many a nights because I had waited until the last minute to do an assignment. Each time I vowed to never do that again, only to lie to myself and be in the same position time and time again. I've gotten better though.
I find that I'm running into too many slackers in my life and on my job. Slackers equate to spiritual leeches in my book. They will suck life out of you and leave you with nothing. Meanwhile, they continue to live in mediocre bliss---and love every minute of it.
I have an acquaintance that is a slacker. I had a run in with her today. I try to redeem her each and every time. Actually, I had told my husband that I was going to cut her off. She is a liability to me. She takes too much time, effort, and energy, and gives nothing in return. He balked at me. He often tells me that I cut people off when they disappoint me. He's right. (side note: I loathe feeling disappointed.) So I gave her another chance. And today, she proved, yet again, why she's a liability. Only because she seems in the grip of depression will I tolerate her for a little while longer. She's cutting it very close.
Saturday, August 21, 2010
Count down to the official day classes start
I completed one of my first assignments for class today. Mind you, I began this same assignment during the summer months ago. I went looking for what I had started, really believing that I had saved it. Nothing found. I bought my first Mac this year specifically for my journey towards my doctorate. So, I'm still learning how this thing works. When I first bought it (allow me to digress here a bit), they told me I didn't need to buy the Microsoft products, that iWork would open all documents and could save it in any Microsoft format you needed. And they were right. However, they didn't tell me that when I open Word in Pages, the format will be all garbled and that when I reformat it to Pages and save it to be a Word document, everything gets unformatted again. I went back and bought the Microsoft products for Mac. Alls good now.
Back to my assignment. I searched Pages. It wasn't there. I searched Word, not there. I searched my documents. Still not there. As I was typing this, it occurred to me that Mac downloads your documents that you get from the Internet. I went to the download folder......there it was!!! Man! I already re-did the assignment, and actually am more pleased with this one than the first one. I'm laughing at myself and I feel dizziness pass by me on more than one occasion (I have no clue why--all of a sudden everything is swimming around me. I tilt my head the other way to adjust). The smell of lobster macaroni and cheese is floating passed my nose. It's not ready yet, but maybe that's what my body is craving.
Thursday is officially the first virtual class. Research is not my thing. But, I have to be able to get this down to total and complete understanding. I have test due Sunday as well, next Sunday, I think. My plan was to write the first test due before it actually was so I wouldn't procrastinate. But everything that could get in the way has. I'll be double checking to make sure I still have more time than I think. I hope I'm right.
Until next time......
Back to my assignment. I searched Pages. It wasn't there. I searched Word, not there. I searched my documents. Still not there. As I was typing this, it occurred to me that Mac downloads your documents that you get from the Internet. I went to the download folder......there it was!!! Man! I already re-did the assignment, and actually am more pleased with this one than the first one. I'm laughing at myself and I feel dizziness pass by me on more than one occasion (I have no clue why--all of a sudden everything is swimming around me. I tilt my head the other way to adjust). The smell of lobster macaroni and cheese is floating passed my nose. It's not ready yet, but maybe that's what my body is craving.
Thursday is officially the first virtual class. Research is not my thing. But, I have to be able to get this down to total and complete understanding. I have test due Sunday as well, next Sunday, I think. My plan was to write the first test due before it actually was so I wouldn't procrastinate. But everything that could get in the way has. I'll be double checking to make sure I still have more time than I think. I hope I'm right.
Until next time......
Sunday, August 15, 2010
Open for business
It begins.
While at residency, we were told that it would be a good idea to create a blog. I've been following a few friends on their blogs for many months now. I never considered creating my own. I'm a pretty private person, opting for a long time not to get involved with Facebook because of the openness. I can't even remember how I eventually made a Facebook page. It has been a wonderful tool for finding people I wanted to get back in contact with. Not to mention keep up with what is going on in their lives.
Here I am, creating a blog. I'm going to think of it as a public diary of sorts. A place to explore and express my thoughts and feelings about this new journey I'm on. Being careful to sanitize and process what I post before posting it.
How did I come up with the name? Well, glad you asked. :) While at residency, Dr. Sells said to my new cohort that God was going to give us a new name. I think tears automatically fell from my face. The path to being accepted into the program is a post in and of itself. It definitely speaks to God's providence. I never dreamed that I would be working on a doctorate. My father, upon hearing this and already knowing what he was going to say, said I was a "professional student." I laugh. His quips always pop into my head along the way. They make me smile sometimes, and other times make me cry. My dad is another post for another time.
Right now I'm just trying this thing out. Casting my net to see what comes up. I truly believe things happen for a reason, that there is purpose in all that happens and all that we do.
Welcome to the glimpse of my life. My hope is that someone will be blessed by the things that I share. My ultimate goal is hoping that someone will draw closer to the One who holds me in the palm of His hand.
Relying on Him,
Kristen
While at residency, we were told that it would be a good idea to create a blog. I've been following a few friends on their blogs for many months now. I never considered creating my own. I'm a pretty private person, opting for a long time not to get involved with Facebook because of the openness. I can't even remember how I eventually made a Facebook page. It has been a wonderful tool for finding people I wanted to get back in contact with. Not to mention keep up with what is going on in their lives.
Here I am, creating a blog. I'm going to think of it as a public diary of sorts. A place to explore and express my thoughts and feelings about this new journey I'm on. Being careful to sanitize and process what I post before posting it.
How did I come up with the name? Well, glad you asked. :) While at residency, Dr. Sells said to my new cohort that God was going to give us a new name. I think tears automatically fell from my face. The path to being accepted into the program is a post in and of itself. It definitely speaks to God's providence. I never dreamed that I would be working on a doctorate. My father, upon hearing this and already knowing what he was going to say, said I was a "professional student." I laugh. His quips always pop into my head along the way. They make me smile sometimes, and other times make me cry. My dad is another post for another time.
Right now I'm just trying this thing out. Casting my net to see what comes up. I truly believe things happen for a reason, that there is purpose in all that happens and all that we do.
Welcome to the glimpse of my life. My hope is that someone will be blessed by the things that I share. My ultimate goal is hoping that someone will draw closer to the One who holds me in the palm of His hand.
Relying on Him,
Kristen
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